The Internet, Children, Families and Sexual Security 

Did you know we live in one of the most sexualized cultures in world history. How do you help yourself and your children live a relatively safe life in a highly sexualized culture? If you have never thought about this question before, you may want to read on. We need to be aware of the dangers and pitfalls of a world where the sexual overtones shape our lives with a subtle and unconscious influence. If you have a home fortified from unwanted sexual material then you probably will have no problem with this article. I have learned this lesson from my own struggles with this very issue. This starts in the home.

The Internet is a very good tool for many reasons, it has radically altered our way of life. So much good has come from it. I could easily go on about the good it has brought us. Education, video conferencing, sharing of information, connections, employment and global awareness are just a few of them, and you could name many benefits too. But now I am pointing out one of the darker sides and the harm the Internet presents. It’s too big of an issue to ignore. It’s an epidemic and we are all susceptible to it. Our youth are being taken over by pornography and it starts early. It affects everyone in one way or another and its not going anywhere. It is one of the biggest industries in the world.

We live in a time that has almost fully ignored morality on the internet and the harmful usage pornography proposes for our children, families and communities. We will always deal with it directly or indirectly. This concern causes some of us to become like an Ostrich others like a Australian Sheep Dog. You’ve seen the cartoons before where Ostriches stick their head in the ground to avoid any kind of pain or difficulty, hoping the problem will somehow just go away. Sheepdogs guide and keep intruders from taking and killing the sheep. Some, I may say, many of us don’t really understand the hidden impact the internet is having on our children and families. Access to a free internet can lead to secretive viewing of harmless searching to soft porn to hardcore porn in a very short period of time. The internet grooms our youth, this undermines the family unit. My family has been no exception. This is a hidden danger we don't foresee.

For a Christian to live in a culture where sexual integrity is almost laughed at and ridiculed, it may seem a big challenge, it can be a real challenge for many. Moses brought the commandments which said we should not commit adultery or covet your neighbor's stuff, wife or their things, in other words lust after. Back in Moses day temptations and lust was just as strong without the external influence. So how do we protect our children today? There are many ways we are bombarded by the unsuspecting sexual tones on the internet, television, billboards, radio, advertisements etc. The real impact is its pervasive way it influences children and the family. It hijacks our minds. We need to learn to understand the ongoing effects and the weight porn and sexually charged material has on children and adults lives. This issue is not getting better.

Barna Group research shows nearly 70% of men view porn monthly, or have a problem with it. Womens usage is growing the fastest and is catching up with men at 40% and in some studies 60%. Many people believe or think it’s impossible to be free from it. It is all around us. How do we keep ourselves free from it? There are many options and encouragement from the scriptures. Psalm 119:9 has the right answer, vs 9, How can a young person stay on the path of purity? By living according to your word. Other scriptures help with the internal approach as well. There are external approaches we must take in order to protect ourselves.

The issue is really getting it into our hearts, not just to obey but to really believe it and live as it is true for you. Matthew 5:6 Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled, and vs 8 blessed are the pure in heart for they will see God, and vs 11 blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. Walking in the ways of God is a choice. We are called to follow him. We are to live with the heart and mind that truly loves Him and ourselves. Doing the opposite of our culture is living in freedom from the world's perspective on life. It just doesn’t provide true wholeness. Porn or sexually charged material leads men and women to be stagnate and develop a brain spiritually and emotionally clouded by impure imagery. Life does not get better or change while in the thrones of pornography.

We need to be proactive. God is proactive in our lives, and we need to be proactive to experience a change of heart. We need to cut off everything that causes us to do what we don't want to do. Jesus does teach we need to amputate whatever is not helpful in our spiritual walk. Our home must be a place of refuge. Cutting it off creates a safe environment. Sexual impurities are all around us. We are called to be free from sin. Jesus promises that it is possible to be completely free. But it’s a choice and learned. John 3:19-21, Love the light or love the dark. It’s the person who grows toward and is open with their life experiences are the ones who will get free and the one who is open with their life with others. In most cases, we are not free from sexually charged material and we have to be mindful of this fact. Can you go to the supermarket, the theater, walk on a campus at your kids Jr or Sr High school or college campus, watch a television drama or turn on a TV, or watch a sports game, surf the Internet for something innocent, go to the mall, go to the beach, go to work, or drive down the street without having some kind of sexually charged visual? It’s next to impossible. We need to prepare ourselves to be vigilant too.

Our children need to develop into fuller and rounded people and contributors in life. This being a difficult aspect of family life, growth and maturity can be limited, yet character and the will can be molded by healthy feelings and thoughts about oneself. Character needs to have health and deeper roots to wholeness in what we set our mind, heart and spirit on. This is some of the work we need to be examples for our children.

Barna Group, through research, found the first exposure for children to pornography is age 9. This is fairly new data. This isn’t soft porn, its nudity, it’s porn which children are not able to understand or even comprehend the meaning behind the images or videos they see. They do get a charge from it, and it puts the image into their mind, spirit and their thoughts bond with it. The images of porn stick to the mind and soul of each person who sees it. Brain science proves this fact. The images do not just go away. It’s the beginning of lust and desire. The images stay with you, sometimes forever. Porn robs us of true intimacy. Children don’t choose or realize what they were getting involved with and do not realize the consequences. The images arouse little minds and they too have a reaction to what they have seen. I experienced this as a child and many experienced the same.

Pornography is a form of sexual exploitation, when children are exposed to it. These are the seeds to strongholds and it starts early in our life. It will happen, if not discussed. Children suffer and are taken over through isolation and silence. Most children can feel alone and afraid to share their experiences after viewing porn. Isolation and silence develops shame and fantasy. Not being able to talk about what they experienced on the playground or wherever they have seen it can be difficult. This is true for any behavior but it’s especially difficult for a child who comes from a home where don’t talk, don’t feel and don’t tell is a norm. Off limit topics produce isolation and silence. If a subject is never discussed and the environment is hush hush, isolation, silence and shame grows, which breeds uncertainty, anxiety and fear. This is the foundation of future struggles.

The cell phone, tablet, laptop and desktop computer create this access. I am grouping these together as they are almost one and the same. Three of the four are mobile. This is a worldwide issue, not just America. Any of these devices without an internet filter or blocking service or a phone locked and set for access for young children is giving them the opportunity to view porn. Giving children a device with the ability to access the internet to search for anything is the problem. We may do this unknowingly. Most parents think it’s okay or don’t think of the consequences or assume their children won’t find it. Most children get access to porn through a friend or neighbor, surfing the Internet themselves, while at school or while out with friends at a party or sleep over. To think children will not be exposed to internet porn is unrealistic. It's not if, it’s really a matter of when. Will you be there and will you be able to talk to them about it and create a place of safety?

I am writing this because the use of our devices seem so innocent yet children need to have you guide them. Our children want us to protect them, they need you to protect them. They will love you for protecting them. You will love yourself for protecting them. You will love your kids more for protecting them. You are loving God when you do this. To think your child will not stumble across porn is denial. To think God will protect them from seeing porn because your a good Christian person is not realistic.

Some of even the best families I know have been shocked to find their children have been impacted by porn in unsuspecting ways. I was taken by surprise with the ease of access years ago. Some of them have had to work hard to break away from porn today. Some things you need to think about: If you are paying for internet phone service and have no filtered, monitored or protected internet, you are unknowingly giving them pornography. When you hand the phone to your children you are violating your conscience and don’t realize it. That's the part that strikes us hard. Once a child is exposed to porn the likelihood a child will share it with the parent is reduced due the level of acceptance and shame the child experiences in the home. If you never talk about pornography in the home, your children will never see it as being wrong. If you are able to talk about porn and its effects on us you are on the right path. This needs to be done with gentleness and sound reasoning.

How or when can a child talk to a parent about something so violating? Any time they have the freedom to do so. When you lack openness with your child about pornography, and other important topics in life, and the level of shame it produces in the child, he or she will most likely keep it a secret. If you are open about these struggles and keep an open dialog, children who experience their parents acceptance, trust and honesty are more likely to be open with them. Children see through parents who are not open or trustworthy. They sense it. This will hinder yours and their growth.

Things you can do: Start with yourself first. If you have not dealt with this area in your life you cannot discuss it with your children wisely. Get help for yourself first if you have issues with pornography. Being honest about this issue in your life will help your whole family over time. Block all devices as a first step. This is proactive and not always welcome by your children. There must be a decision on your part to make this happen, do it in such a way that your family views it was a value and a moral issue as well. Its a great starting point for them. We all need to have this kind of start on the path to standing up for what is right and good.

The reason I can share this with you is because I was once an Ostrich and a child. I tried to bury the reality and didn't feel safe sharing it. I avoided sharing it with my family. They didn’t have the tools or ability to discuss it with me. Until we admit and look at what’s happening on our devices and in our lives nothing will change. One of the most important keys is having dialog with your children in a safe, comfortable and casual environment about the internet, it’s positive and negative features. Talk about the ways it's helpful and hurtful. This generates critical thinking. This needs to be a lifelong dialog within your family. Do not shame your children about pornography, you can do more damage than good. Be sober minded and as prepared as you can be. Get advice from someone who is versed in this dialog. 1 John 4:18, “There is no fear in love, but perfect love drives out fear…”

Pray for clarity and let peace and love be your guide. Acting shocked or shaming others for viewing porn is not helpful. Share some of the dangers and setbacks you have experienced because of porn, of course use age appropriate sharing. This can open the door for further discussion and disclosure. Your children will see you as being real and honest. Keep the discussion active over time and keep watching for signs of hidden behavior. Have discussions about porn in your home regarding healthy sexuality and how God created man and woman to be committed in a loving relationship with one person. Children need to see this value in action by their parents. This helps children grow up seeing you live out your values and beliefs. Some of you may need real courage and vulnerability to move forward. Take heart and do what you know needs to be done.

In order to create a safer home environment be more proactive and deliberate and install internet filters, time limits and safe browsing practices for your children and family. Make your home a safety zone. Setting up content restrictions on each device is needed. This is fairly simple to do. Get internet and email reports from filtering software. If you really see the harm get rid of cable TV. Your life will change in ways because you need to do more to think about your life activity and interact with one another. This eliminates all advertising and shows which are just not worth the time to spend watching. This gives opportunity for real connections, discussions and social interaction.

Here are a few resources to help you with internet filtering and monitoring. I do not profit from any of these services but would highly recommend any of these for your home and mobile protection. There are many available.
Opendns.com (Very Good home service and is free) for home and mobile devices.
Covenant Eyes (Very good filter and email browsing reports) for home and mobile devices.
IPhones (these have internal settings yet, you will still want some kind of filtering and monitoring)
Covenant Eyes is a good as a filtering service with IPhones.

I hope this helps you see this issue from a slightly different vantage point. Unintended consequences are something we never imagined, now we can start to recognize the error of our thinking and protect our children, grandchildren and immediate family from some of the most subtle, hidden and stealth problems today. Change can be difficult too as we learn to handle things of this nature with grace and truth. The blessing of sexual security and having the right motivation for our families, which takes some work, prayer, wisdom and effort to change, can pay off quickly. Obedience to love God with all your heart, mind and soul is worth the time and investment!    Thank you for reading, Tom Kirkbride